Too many parents (finger pointed at myself) get in a rut with the word “No.” We want to stop our children from breaking the Law. I mean, read the Ten Commandments—how many of them start with “You shall not”? Obviously, we MUST teach them “No,” and we should start when they are very young. However, we must not just swerve them away from evil, we must also teach them how to be good! We must not just train them in what NOT to do; we must train them up in the way they SHOULD GO. We should also graduate from teaching them to obey “just because” to giving them moral reasons for their actions.
How early should we start teaching a child “No”? For the first several months of a child’s life, he can’t control his little body. We put socks on his fists so he doesn’t scratch himself to pieces with those sharp tiny nails. If he smacks us in the face, we don’t mind because we know he can’t control his flailing little self; he’s learning how to control all his pieces. But at some point, he learns how to grab something and put it in his mouth. He learns how to touch what he wants to touch. When that starts to happen, you have reached the point of teaching him “no” and “don’t touch.” Those are important commands every child should learn, not because you want to control your child but because you want your child to be safe and healthy. So start teaching “no” when your child is able to control his own body.
How to you teach “no”? The easiest way to teach a very young child not to touch something is by telling him “no” and removing his hand from what he wants. When he tries to touch it again (and he almost always will), you may try once or twice more to remove his hand immediately after saying “no.” Don’t increase the volume of your voice; keep the same measured tone. You don’t want to teach him that he only needs to obey when you get angry or loud. After the second or third time, you need to say “no” and give his hand a little smack or thump. This startles him and makes him pull his hand away, and you are associating the word “no” with discomfort, something he does not enjoy. The main thing is you must be consistent with it. If you tell a child “no” to something, you must win the battle. If you concede the battle, you teach the child that “no” doesn’t always mean absolutely no, but if he keeps trying to get what he wants, sometimes mom or dad gives up and lets him have his way.
As children get older, we graduate beyond the What, such as you should love your neighbor, you should honor your mother, you should pray like this, you should build these godly habits. Of course, we must teach those! But we must teach them Why. Why should they love their neighbor? Why should they honor their parents? Why should they pray and build godly habits? Too often we send our kids into the world having whipped them into submission in certain ways of living, but we fail to instill a true respect and love for God. So those lovely character traits drop away in time as the child realizes he has no good reason in his heart as to why he should act that way. Think of the Israelites during Joshua’s day (Joshua 24.31). While Joshua lived, they served God…but another generation rose up soon after that had forgotten WHY they served the Lord—enter the messy period of the Judges!
A quick example: you can teach your child NOT to run in large gatherings. At a very young age, you might just back that up with “because Dad said,” but as they get older you should tell them why: “because there are older people walking around and you might trip someone. If an older person trips and falls, they could get hurt very badly!” Thus, you teach them the moral why. They learn that your instructions are because you want them to love the people around them. You’re not just trying to spoil their fun.