Last Saturday morning, Bekah and I leisurely wound our way through Bedico and Ponchatoula, stopping at several yard sales along the way, then moseyed up to Hammond to eat at Tope La for our first time. We were celebrating twenty-three years of marriage, and we enjoyed ourselves.
I realize we have something special.
Not many couples our age can boast a marriage as long as ours. Many have already been divorced once or twice, so they’ve only been “happily married” a couple of years. Forbes asserts that “the average length of a marriage prior to divorce is eight years.” Forbes also says the divorce rate has decreased from a rate of 4.0 in 2000 to a rate of 2.5 in 2023. That sounds like excellent news…until you realize marriage rates have also declined leaving fewer marriages to dissolve. Half of first marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate increases for second and third marriages. [1]
REASONS FOR DIVORCE
At the end of their article, Forbes lists the “Most Common Reasons for Divorce” among which are:
- Lack of Commitment
- Infidelity
- Getting Married Too Young
- Domestic Abuse
- Substance Abuse
- Financial Issues
A common thread ties most of these factors together. Why would they lack commitment? Why would they be unfaithful? Why would they abuse their spouse? All of these expose a serious lack of love. I’m not talking about lovey-dovey, electric thrill feelings; I’m talking about biblical love which puts the well-being and interests of your spouse above your own. Love is a choice, and most people choose to love themselves over their spouse. This breaks marriages.
Substance abuse also proves a lack of love because it disregards the well-being of the spouse.
Getting married too young is a cop-out, an excuse, not a real reason for a marriage failing. It’s like saying, “We fell out of love with each other.” It’s a way to avoid the real issues.
Citing “financial problems” is also just a smokescreen. It may be a factor, but it’s not the reason for the failure of a marriage. Financial issues for sure exacerbate and expose underlying problems, but most married couples endure periods of financial difficulty, and not all of these marriages fall apart. The actual root of the failure still has to do with a lack of love.
KEYS TO A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
I asked my wife to tell me how to have a happy marriage, and she boiled it down to a single word: selflessness. Paul’s admonition in Philippians 2.3 should be applied first to your marriage partner: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
Communication
If you ask a married couple for the most important thing in a marriage, they’ll probably respond, “Communication.” That is a big one, and it ties directly to selflessness. Communication is only half about talking. The other half is listening. Many marriages fail because spouses do not intentionally spend the time to listen carefully to their partners. This is usually a key to dating, isn’t it? You want to know the other person intimately—their likes and dislikes, their passions and dreams, their favorite shows and foods. It takes a lot of listening and observation. It takes asking questions, digesting the answers, and following up. It takes honest dialogue.
Maybe your spouse irritates you. Maybe you think she talks about silly or negative things. Maybe she talks too much or not enough. Guess what? God still expects you to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated (Matthew 7.12). Don’t you want your spouse to listen when you talk? Remember you chose this person as your life partner! Humble yourself a little and lend a compassionate ear. If you haven’t listened to her in a while, you’ll probably be surprised not only with the conversation but with how the simple act of listening will improve your relationship.
Love and Respect
God specifically instructs husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5.25–33), probably because it’s difficult and they need to be taught. How should husbands love their wives?
- As Christ loved the church. Jesus gave His life for His bride, the church, and He did it to make her holy, wash her, cleanse her. He went the full distance to protect her purity. Husbands should love their wives this way—give their lives every day, sacrificing and working hard to protect and care for her.
- As their own bodies. What man does not love his own body? Does he not seek plenty of food and clothing and good things in life? The Church is Christ’s body. He is her Head, and she is His body, and that serves as a template for a husband and wife. He is to love her as his own body because she is his body, his own flesh. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
God specifically tells wives to respect and submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5.22–24, 33), probably because it’s difficult and they need to be taught. How should they submit to their husbands?
- As to the Lord. As the church submits to Christ, so the wife should submit to her husband. She should respect her husband as the one who God placed in authority over her. No business or government or family works without an authority structure in place, and God created the family’s authority structure (1 Corinthians 11.3).
- In everything. This sounds difficult—to submit in everything. This does not mean she should submit when her husband leads her to sin. He and she are still under God’s authority first. But in all areas of life, she is to submit to her husband’s lead. Praise God when her husband loves her as he should, right? That makes it much easier for a wife to submit. But God intends for a wife even to submit to unbelieving husbands (1 Peter. 3.1).
Choose to Love Your Spouse
After twenty-three years of marriage, I’ll tell you it has not always been easy. To get where we are today has taken work, endurance, and grace. We praise God for keeping us through some dark years earlier in our marriage. There have been moments of confrontation, of sinning against each other, of raised voices and slammed doors. We have had to humble ourselves towards each other and ask for the other’s forgiveness. We have had to forgive when asked. Sin lurks at our door, and it desires to consume us. It’s a constant battle to guard ourselves and our home against the evil which would tear us apart.
Every day we must choose to love each other, even on days when we don’t feel like it. Right action often precedes charitable feelings. We don’t do good for each other because we feel warm towards them; we do good for them because it’s the way we love them. This honors God and it honors our spouse. And we do experience good feelings when we walk together this way.
God hates divorce. He loves faithfulness. Be faithful, love your spouse, and God will give you something special.
[1] https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/